


i told you i was brave (but i lied)

by alpacas



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, and it is baaaaaaad, i give myself bad ideas, really no warnings besides nott attempting a german accent at one point, set during e.48 'homeward bound'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-31 06:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alpacas/pseuds/alpacas
Summary: Nott leads the others down the street. Left at the corner, towards the edge of town. Past the inn and straight to the apothecary.Straight home.





	i told you i was brave (but i lied)

**Author's Note:**

> so what exactly _was_ nott's plan in e48? was she going to go into felderwin and march up to her family and go surprise! i'm alive after all! because she sure wasn't acting like that was her plan.
> 
> title taken from stars' "how much more"

 

Nott leads the others down the street. Left at the corner, towards the edge of town. Past the inn and straight to the apothecary.

Straight home.

 

 

 

 

She waits until they're almost there to duck into an alley and cast _disguise self_ , but once she's there she doesn't know what to become. Not Veth, obviously, not someone Yeza and Luke will recognize, someone who will lead to questions she can't answer and touches the illusion will not sustain. She has nightmares where that happens. Her son running into her arms and running screaming when he feels her goblin flesh. Yeza flinching at her touch.

She's not strong enough to face that possibility.

So Nott transforms herself into a gnome woman, middle aged, pale skinned, blonde, and pretty, not like Veth at all, and leads them the last few buildings down to the apothecary.

The door opens with a chime, a familiar ringing she's heard so many times, awake and dreaming, that sends her nearly gasping. Inside: a rush of smells, smells Nott knows, drying herbs, sweet and musty and spicy, medicinal scents and chemical smells. The iron stove in the corner, door open, only embers burning. The table piled with bolts of indigo cloth, the herbs hanging from the beams, the flower pattern painted on the upper stretch of the walls. They'd built the shop in three quarters size, tall for Halflings but short for humans, and Caduceus's head grazes the dried flowers even ducking, and Caleb examines the sign they'd had commissioned only three years ago: _Brenatto Apothecary_ in fine calligraphy painted on wood, adorned with medicinal flowers.

Old Mrs. Napelli is at the counter alone, the counter with the heavy ledger and the rows of shelves lined with bottles full of all sorts of medicines and potions and supplies, and she smiles politely at the newcomers and Nott hides behind Jester.

"Good afternoon," says Mrs. Napelli.

"Good afternoon, how are you doing?" Caduceus asks pleasantly. "This is a nice shop, isn't it?"

"Oh, yes," she says.

Just then, the door to the basement storeroom opens and Nott tries to hide her entire body in Jester's skirts, shaking and rustling the fabric.

"Here it is, just arrived two days ago. Hello, I'll be with you all in just a moment," Yeza says.

"Nott?" Jester whispers, and Nott can feel her hands on her head and shoulder, but Nott can't move, can't breathe, can't let him see her, can't look at him either — it's okay, you're illusioned, you're hidden, it's alright — and she wrenches herself away —

He's rubbing the side of his neck as he talks to Mrs. Napelli and Nott's heart breaks. Watching him peer down at the ledger, squinting a little, he rubs the tip of his nose with a curled finger and she is breaking in two.

_It's me, it's me, do you remember? Did you get my letter? I've missed you so, oh —_

Yeza glances up, sees her approach, gives Nott a friendly and polite and vague and empty smile. "I'll be just a moment."

"R- right, take your time," she says. His gaze had dropped and then darts back up, his expression intense and focused and she hadn't changed her voice. He starts to frown and she clears her throat. Fakes a cough. The cough turns real, she is gasping, clasps her hands tightly over her mouth, and he's still staring at her. "Wow! Silly me!" Nott says, although she can hardly breathe to get the words out, and she tries to speak higher and imitate Caleb's accent, it comes out mangled and strange but that doesn't matter, not so long as she doesn't sound like _herself_ — "I vorgot my — my kould mediziiiine, zilly old me!"

Caleb comes up behind her and she wants to hide in his coat, press herself into it where it's dark and safe. Stands frozen, though, unable to look away, even now. Especially now. Yeza's eyes! How had she forgotten his eyes were the perfect pale brown, like golden wood? How he had longer eyelashes than Veth had, and she had teased him for it and been jealous? Just stands there smiling stupidly. Watching him. Yeza looks uncertain. Decides he had imagined what he had heard. Turns back to Mrs. Napelli. She pays two copper and leaves.

"How can I help you?" Yeza asks with a smile, gazing around and up at all of them. Looking at Nott twice: at the start of the question and at the end. His expression is one of mild bewilderment, but it breaks her in two. Both times.

"We… we, uh, have heard great things about this apothecary," Fjord says, when a moment goes by and Nott still can't speak. "We're adventurers. Might you have some healing potions we could buy?"

"I have… one," Yeza says, looking up over his shoulder at the second shelf from the top on the right, where they keep their more expensive medicines; they deal mostly in local needs, remedies and the like. "Eighty gold."

"Hey, that is is _mark up_ ," Jester says loudly.

Eighty gold! Nott thinks. "We'll take it!" she says, her hands shaking as she reaches for her coin purse: it's a full month's income. She pulls out a handful of coins, reaching out for the counter — Yeza reaches out as well, to take whatever she offers, and she draws her hand back fast, before they can touch. "I mean — um —"

"I'll pay," Caleb says, slipping around behind Nott. He presses a platinum into Yeza's hand. "Thank you."

"Let me — get you change," Yeza says, bewildered.

"No, that is quite alright, this is a fine shop, you should have it all," Caleb says, and Nott has never loved him more.

Yeza fetches the potion and hands it to Caleb, who holds it and turns it in his hand as though he's never seen a healing potion before. "Thank you," Yeza says. "Really. We don't get many adventurers around Felderwin," he says, looking around at them all once more. "I hope you have a nice stay."

Jester and Beau are both looking directly at Nott, and Fjord is glancing over every few seconds. Yasha is more interested in Yeza, Caduceus is happily examining the herbs on display, and Caleb stands silently behind her.

 _It's me_ , she tries to say to Yeza. Imagines dropping the disguise and running to him. _Where is Luke? Where is he?_ She imagines falling into his arms.

She imagines him recoiling in fear and disgust and hatred.

She is not Veth. She is still a goblin.

She cannot move or speak.

"Thanks," Fjord says slowly.

They're all waiting for her. But this is enough, Nott tells herself. This is more than enough. The shop is doing well. Yeza is safe and alive and happy. He doesn't need her here, doesn't need her, Luke doesn't need her, certainly not like this, as a goblin, as a nobody —

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" Yeza asks. He looks at Nott again. "Cold medicine?"

"Huh?" And then she remembers her fake Zemnian accent: "Ehhhrm, yez, I vould like… ja. Ja ja ja."

Caleb's hand squeezes her shoulder. Nott clutches at her cloak, her illusionary hands fisting the air tightly.

"Two silver," Yeza says, offering her a tiny bottle. He makes it himself, a pot at a time, and then they sit at the kitchen table for hours, carefully filling glass bottles that they order special from Zadash for fifteen silver a dozen. She imagines him sitting at the table alone with the vat of medicine and the bottles and the dropper.

Caleb pays again, and she barely manages to reach out for the bottle, her fingers shaking so much she almost drops it. "You're a great alchemist!" she blurts out, half forgetting her fake voice and fake accent. "Everyone — every-vone says so! You're very smart and I —"

I've missed you so much. I miss you so much. Where's Luke? How is he doing? Do you miss me? Do you remember me? I love you. I love you both so.

"Thank you," Yeza says, confused, and she's smiling so shakily it must be half a grimace, and she turns and leaves the shop in a whirl before he can see her crying, before anyone can see her crying, goes around the corner to the alley where they store boxes sometimes, leans and falls against the wall onto the muddy ground, dropping the illusion and crying into her cloak, all tears and snot and gasping, it's me, I'm sorry, it's me, I'm sorry, over and over and over again —

I'm sorry, I can't, I'm sorry, I couldn't, I want to see you but you can't see me, I'm not strong enough, I'm not brave enough, I'm not —

And she sits and cries and snots all over her cloak until Yeza comes out alone and finds her and says "Veth?" softly, his hand reaching for the wall for support. "Veth?"

"Yes," she whimpers:

"It's me, but I died, and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for lying and keeping it a secret and hiding it from you and from Caleb and from the others, because I was scared and I told myself it didn't matter

It doesn't matter

It's not important

I can be fine

Because I know you're safe and Luke's safe and so it doesn't matter (and Yeza drops to his knees in the mud beside her and she clings to him, gets her tears and snot all over him and his shoulder, the spicy dusty dry herb smell of him and his arms are around her and hand in her red-brown hair)

It doesn't matter, I'll lie and run and be a coward and be brave, as long as you're both safe, I can keep my secrets, my secrets don't matter if you're okay, if you don't need me, if you're safe."

Because that's the most important thing there is —

 

 

 

 

Nott leads the others down the street. Left at the corner.

The apothecary has been burnt to the ground.


End file.
